she asked about it innocently enough, a gentle nudge, an inquisitive mind reaching for my heart to see if any life was left. i stayed still, was frozen from the cold, too bitter to respond with anything other than silence, too far inside myself to feel any warmth. i was all i wanted, the unattainable version of myself, finally attained, and yet i lay next to her, paralyzed with apathy and devoid of anything other than self love.
after she left, turned away by the darkness, i began to thaw, releasing my fragile heart, watching it fly for freedom, tempting it with escape before snatching it back. i knew it was necessary to open up but i was terrified of the outside and in love with who i had become.
depression is a serpent, twining herself tightly around your skin and staying until you grow the love the pressure. the stress and fear becomes your motivation for each day, her familiar hold is what comforts you each night. you grow stronger inside while you constantly strain against her bonds, never sure where you'd be if you broke free, but relishing every second of challenge.
i never imaged a time when i'd want out, when i'd feel like i was better than the serpent surrounding me or proud enough to face the ones surrounding her. i never thought her embrace could lessen or that the constant strain against her coils would become any easier.
today was the the first day i broke free and let myself go, saw where i could be if it let myself draw a full breathe. it was the first time i saw the serpent as a serpent, the first time she stopped being my lover.
it's the first time i admitted to myself that i had always been the wolf, that nobody had turned me into him but myself, and that i could take this anywhere and leave the serpent behind, alone - to fall in in love with herself.