This wordy post is (mostly) for me. .
I do a Joker schtick because I've convinced myself I'm broken, legitimately damaged (loltryhard much) and mentally ill. There's.. so much history as to why I believe that about myself. If you heard it, you'd think I was lying. Nobody has that much bad luck consecutively. Well, nobody that hasn't had it coming to them; there's absolutely something to be said about my choices & integrity. Completely childlike and selfish, in learning to cope with consistent failure as well as disappointment. It became such a norm, I propelled my own failure to somehow subconsciously keep the theme going.
There was a woman who went through hell to show me I wasn't, and that I'm not. But she's gone now, because I perpetually mistreated her. I composed a brutally narcissistic ego for myself and marred the heart of anyone foolish to get close. She caught the worst I could muster. Is she gone.. Forever? Who knows. If I develop myself, maybe she'll come back. I'm starting to believe I don't want anyone else. I've never worked for a relationship before, they just sort of fall into my life and I screw with them because I can't believe human beings are honest.
Now, now, I know I'm not the Clown Prince of Crime. However, loving this character makes me happier than 99% of the world around me. Why? Because he seemed to be happy being alone- and I wanted to learn how to do that, as well as to be menacing, respected and not screwed with. Plus, he was always surrounded by absolute insanity; I was raised around outrageous mental illness.
I spent too long on the wrong mental path. I behaved fucking abominally, justifying and excusing my antics seven ways from Sunday.
Dickpics, drunken intrusions, cannabis belligerence, and other teen-idiot antics from a man that's twenty-fucking-eight.
I'll continue doing Joker (with pleasant surprises mixed in here and there), but please know I've endured crushing humility as of late. We're all not as great as we think we are. But if we work diligently on what inspires us, greatness may follow. #portraitofarkham #trauma #narcissism #mommyissues #brokenfamily #selftherapy #immaturity #humility #cosplay #ego #yeg